Friday, 5 September 2008

Mindless Self Pity and Miserable Drivel

The comments left on my last post have really knocked some sense into me. I think I'm just making excuses as to why I shouldn't do this diploma because I'm a coward. It's scary going somewhere new, scary meeting new people and scary thinking that I may not be clever enough to pass it once I start it. So as of today no more excuses. I need to stop being such a 'fraidy cat so I've applied, and if the diploma people want me, then I'm going to say yes.

*** Self-Pity Warning***

I'm in a bit of a funny mood today. I had two awful nightmares last night. The first nightmare was incredibly graphic. I dreamt I was in a big house with my closest friends and family and we all got shot. To make it worse I left one of my friends, shot in the stomach and bleeding to death while I ran away out of the window. Now I realise this was only a dream but I still feel really guilty. I woke up after this and considered getting up and going home as I was at the boyfriends (long story behind this which will become clear in a moment.) but decided that splashing some cold water on my face and calming down was probably best. The boyfriend woke up while I was calming myself down elsewhere in the flat so was there for a bit of a cuddle to make me feel better when I got back into bed. Usually this solves my nightmares completely and I sleep well after that. Unfortunately last night this wasn't the case. Almost immediately I had another nightmare. My least favourite type of nightmare. It's always pretty much the same. I'm doing something mundane and ordinary with my mum. Then I realise that I'm with my mum, she's not dead, but she'd just gone away or was ill and came back. This usually carries on with her being ill again and me having absolutely no control over her dying again no matter how hard I try. It's impossible to find words to describe how heart wrenchingly devastating this type of nightmare is. The only solace is that it means I get to see my mum again, even if it is only in a dream.

After these nightmares I had a complete crushing sense of misery. I could hardly breathe. I kept waking myself up gasping for breath and then struggled to get back to sleep because it felt like I had a brick in my chest where my heart should be.

Added to all of this is the feeling of guilt I have. As if the boyfriend doesn't have enough on his plate without me going all miserable and weird. Because of me he had practically no sleep the night before a big meeting at work. He's going through a much tougher time than I am at the moment and I really should be there for him. I'm trying. I managed to not completely lose my temper with him when he hurt my feelings yesterday because I know he's going through a tough time. His Grandma passed away two days ago, and I'm struggling to know what to say. It's hard being there for someone who is quite guarded with their feelings. It's hard to try to think of someone else and not be so self centred about the way I feel. It's hard to know what is allowing someone a bit of slack because they're upset and what is letting someone get away with too much. It's hard feeling that I don't have anyone here I can talk to about it.

Lily xXx

1 comment:

madsadgirl said...

I read this post hours ago and thought that I must make a comment. Unfortunately I had to go out and I forgot to come back to it. However, I remembered so I am back.

I'm glad that you have made up your mind about your diploma and I wish you good luck with it.

With respect to your nightmares, you have my sympathy. I frequently have a nightmare very similar to the second one you describe, only in my case it is my husband that I dream about. He died very suddenly 10 years ago, and sometimes I have nightmares involving him still being alive, and they seem so real until I wake up, and then I find that I am in a terrible state. I also have nightmares about the actual circumstances of his death, and seeing and hearing those moments again in my sleep can be truly terrifying. Sometimes when I have several nights in a row with these sorts of nightmares I end up being too frightened to sleep and within a few days become zombie-like in my behaviour.

I think that the problems that you are having struggling to know what to do for your boyfriend at this difficult time, and knowing how much slack you should cut him is difficult for you because as you said in your post entitled 'September Dilemma' your relationship is young. Deal with death is never easy for anyone, it is often even more difficult when the person that has died is someone who is part of all the memories in your life, such as a parent or grandparent, people who you think will live forever, as you must know from your own experience. The problem is that men, and young men in particular, often find it very difficult to verbalise their feelings, and are unwilling to show any visible signs of how they are feeling. Probably the best thing that you can do is tell him that you know what he is going through, and that it would probably help him to talk about it. Then, if he will talk to you, so much the better, if he won't, then suggest he contacts CRUSE.

I'm not an agony aunt, but my comments are based on my own experiences and how I was helped to deal with bereavement.