Preparation

Being a sensible girl I put some thought into what I could do to prepare for my first week on clinics, beginning on Monday. There are many things I could have done to prepare. Bought new pens, read up on certain aspects of physiology and pharmacology, I could have even practiced exanation technique on my teddy bears. Instead I went out two nights in a row and got hammered. Really clever. I'm currently fighting off a huge hangover which is only being held back by the fact that I'm still drunk!

On the plus side I have had an amazing weekend. I set things straight with the evil ex of my current without breaking her legs. I had a fab girly night out. I also had a fab night out with the boyf. I even managed to squeeze some underwear shopping into my weekend. Result!

Those who are in the least bit interested about the stage of decoration my flat is at (so that would only be my Dad who doesn't even read this), I still haven't finished decorating. I haven't done any decorating what so ever this week just past. Oh well. I'm getting fond of the half decorated, slightly scatty look that my living room has. On a partially related note BT still hasn't sorted out my phone line. Grrrrr. Fingers crossed that will be done by tomorrow so maybe I can get broadband by 2023. Idiots.

Anyway I am going to die in a corner before attempting to sober up so I can actually drive to London this evening.

Lily xXx

Start of a New Academic Year

So, I've survived week 1. Even more impressively I've survived week 1 without an internet connection (thanks BT).

This has been a week of learning examination techniques, which at first seemed a little scary but I think I'm getting it all in hand now. The difference in the quality of teaching is amazing. It seems that now we're in 3rd year clinicians are actually interested in teaching us how to do things rather than half heartedly showing us. Even more amazing than the doctors teaching us are the patient educators. What a brilliant idea. Basiacally patients take their own time to come and show us how to examine them. This is great for knowing how hard to push things and prod things and it allows us to find out what bothers the patients most when they're being examined. I'm really looking forward to another week of learning with their help.

Worryingly my stethoscope seems to have escaped. I'm sure I moved it to London with me but I can't find it in my flat. It also isn't at home. Hmmmm. Me thinks I'll need to have a proper dig for it. Fingers crossed I find it because I really don't want to have to buy another one.

The boyfriend is in Vegas at the moment and I miss him loads. His phone bill is going to be huge from phoning me at random times (like 7am on a Sunday morning!!!). I'm upset because he doesn't seem to be enjoying it. He's fallen out with the friend he's gone with. She has never met me and when told about me started to slag me off which is a little harsh, he didn't take it very well. She's also spent the whole holiday so far thinking the world revolves around her. He's thinking of flying home early. It would be amazing to see him, but I just wish he was having a better time so he'd stay out there and get the holiday he deserves.

On a slight tangent my best friends from home are holding a joint birthday party with the boyfriend's psycho-ex. So basically I won't be welcome. Neither of my friends realise this, but with all the trouble she's caused it's obvious she hates me. It would be cruel of me to go to her birthday and ruin it for her. I also wouldn't go without the boyfriend. This is because I only see him on weekends and I enjoy going out with him. Obviously dragging him along would make me a total bitch. Grrr. I'm so upset about it that I've even had a little cry. I just can't fathom how my friends could be friends with someone who's actively tried to ruin the best relationship I've ever been in. I really really want to go and celebrate two of my best friend's birthdays, but I can't if she's there. Unlike her I'd feel awful if I went and upset her on her birthday. Double grrrrr. I guess I'll just have to see if I can meet up with the two friends some other time.

Lily xXx

Random Googles 3

Over the last week people googling this site have tended to follow a pattern. Lots of people googling about first day as med students or life as med students. Clearly it's almost the start of a new term. If you've found this blog because you're starting medical school in the near future and were feeling worried or just interested... good luck! I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

I seem to have alot more people coming to this site wondering about an allergy to DFS sofa's. This has started to get me worried. After a day in my flat I break out in hives. Maybe there is a problem with DFS sofas?! Argh!

Concerningly someone searched "masturbating with sandwich bags" and found my blog.
(I said LOL the other say when something was funny. Should I be worried?)

Lily xXx

Complete Disorganisation

I start uni again on Monday. I have so much to do but can't bring myself to actually do it. I have yet to move most of my stuff to London, haven't finished decorating, haven't bought the type of paper I like to write on and just generally am all over the place.

Thankfully the weekend after I start uni I have totally nothing planned so I can retrospectively organise myself and see if some friends will come over and help me put on the last coat of paint. Hurrah.

Strangely, now that I have a timetable so know what I'm doing, I'm not really bothered that I'm so disorganised. I think this is because the first fortnight is mainly lectures and small group sessions on clinical examination. It means I have a fair amount of spare time to get stuff done then.

I am planning a trip to London tomorrow to move most of my stuff up. We'll see if this actually happens because I'd planned on doing it today but never got around to it.

Seriously looking forward to student loan day on Monday. I'm hoping I have enough money left in my account to put £30 of petrol in the car so I can get to London and back tomorrow and then back to London on Sunday with a bit of driving around town inbetween. This also means I can do my last Ikea trip at some point and get my kitchen table and chairs.

Looking back to last week everything seems to have sorted itself out a bit. Madsadgirl's comment really helped. It made me see that I'm not a total freak with the nightmares and that other people go through the same thing. I also managed to sort things out with the boy. We had a big chat about what was bothering us both and I had a good old cry about everything I'd been bottling up. In fact I don't think I've ever cried like that in front of anyone. I hate people feeling sorry for me. It'll be nice to go back to uni with my head in the right place for once.

Lily xXx

Mindless Self Pity and Miserable Drivel

The comments left on my last post have really knocked some sense into me. I think I'm just making excuses as to why I shouldn't do this diploma because I'm a coward. It's scary going somewhere new, scary meeting new people and scary thinking that I may not be clever enough to pass it once I start it. So as of today no more excuses. I need to stop being such a 'fraidy cat so I've applied, and if the diploma people want me, then I'm going to say yes.

*** Self-Pity Warning***

I'm in a bit of a funny mood today. I had two awful nightmares last night. The first nightmare was incredibly graphic. I dreamt I was in a big house with my closest friends and family and we all got shot. To make it worse I left one of my friends, shot in the stomach and bleeding to death while I ran away out of the window. Now I realise this was only a dream but I still feel really guilty. I woke up after this and considered getting up and going home as I was at the boyfriends (long story behind this which will become clear in a moment.) but decided that splashing some cold water on my face and calming down was probably best. The boyfriend woke up while I was calming myself down elsewhere in the flat so was there for a bit of a cuddle to make me feel better when I got back into bed. Usually this solves my nightmares completely and I sleep well after that. Unfortunately last night this wasn't the case. Almost immediately I had another nightmare. My least favourite type of nightmare. It's always pretty much the same. I'm doing something mundane and ordinary with my mum. Then I realise that I'm with my mum, she's not dead, but she'd just gone away or was ill and came back. This usually carries on with her being ill again and me having absolutely no control over her dying again no matter how hard I try. It's impossible to find words to describe how heart wrenchingly devastating this type of nightmare is. The only solace is that it means I get to see my mum again, even if it is only in a dream.

After these nightmares I had a complete crushing sense of misery. I could hardly breathe. I kept waking myself up gasping for breath and then struggled to get back to sleep because it felt like I had a brick in my chest where my heart should be.

Added to all of this is the feeling of guilt I have. As if the boyfriend doesn't have enough on his plate without me going all miserable and weird. Because of me he had practically no sleep the night before a big meeting at work. He's going through a much tougher time than I am at the moment and I really should be there for him. I'm trying. I managed to not completely lose my temper with him when he hurt my feelings yesterday because I know he's going through a tough time. His Grandma passed away two days ago, and I'm struggling to know what to say. It's hard being there for someone who is quite guarded with their feelings. It's hard to try to think of someone else and not be so self centred about the way I feel. It's hard to know what is allowing someone a bit of slack because they're upset and what is letting someone get away with too much. It's hard feeling that I don't have anyone here I can talk to about it.

Lily xXx

Dilemma Part 2

Merys has made a very good point in the comments from my last post. Will this extra "thing" I'm thinking of doing actually give me any advantage when it comes to F1 applications and beyond?

Part of me thinks that it will. I get a diploma if I pass the exams, which means a couple of extra letters after my name and the acknowledgement that I have a fairly good knowledge in the subject at hand. This particular diploma aims to give everyone who passes it a good enough knowledge of the subject to lecture others in it. Surely that can't be a bad thing.

On the other hand it is a little abstract. It's not particularly sciency, although it is directly related to medicine. Will this make me look a bit flakey?

I know that the tasks set will allow me to improve my confience, and mix with new people, many of whom will be actual doctors as opposed to just students. However I'm sure I can gain most of the same skills from special study modules at university. The main advantage to this diploma is that it will allow me to study something I have a personal interest in at a greater depth than my university could ever offer.

Does anyone know if additional diplomas gain extra points in MTAS? Part of me wonders if it is even worth asking that question as probably in 3 years when I graduate everything will have changed again.

Advice is welcome... (or more exactly needed because I can't make up my own mind)

September Dilemma

In my mind summer is officially over. This little bit of September is reserved for getting organised for the term ahead. Unfortunately I have so much to organise I can't quite bring myself to do it. I still haven't moved into my new flat, which is going to have to be tackled this week. I think I'll move as much stuff as I can up tomorrow as my Dad is around too. He's coming to help me carry my huge and now mysteriously broken telly back to Argos so they'll change it. Since he has a big old estate car it makes sense to take full advantage of the situation and stuff it as full as possible.

I have a bit of a personal/academic dilemma that surfaced today. I have the opportunity to take a really interesting course instead of my two special study modules this year. Downside is that it's infamously difficult and the lectures are on a Saturday morning. Obviously weekend time is me and the boy time. Sense tells me that I shouldn't sacrifice good opporunities for a relationship that is so young, and that if he genuinely cares, not seeing me for a few hours on a Saturday morning won't matter. However my paranoid mind is worried that he will take offence and it'll cause problems later on. Is it really worth risking what is an amazing relationship for a course I might not even pass?

Lily xXx